If it's me then fine...

It's one thing if I'm the one that's sick.
But I freak out ...quietly, when my family is sick.
I have this masochistic desire to take it all away
 from them.
 To bear the pain, and sniffles.
Yeah...whatever.
I'm also sick...but trying to hold it together for 
everyone else.
I really worry when Bill is sick. He is 67.
I dont think about him being older when I look at him.
But sometimes that fact is hard to ignore.
Or I should say the fears related to that fact
 are hard to ignore.
Will he just suddenly leave me one day?
Yea...he'll leave me one day.
You accept that when your mate is 30 year older 
than yourself.
But will I get to prepare?
Will he just get pneumonia and be suddenly gone?
Or will it not have anything at all to do with age, and
 be my biggest fear....

that his shitty, reckless driving is one day going to be
 the end of him 
and about 12 other motorists. 
The one thing he has to reckless about in life
( other than marrying me...what was he
thinking then?...geesh...)..and he has to make
it an activity done in speeding traffic.

I will not mourne my husband before he is gone.
.I made the mistake of doing that with my Dad.
I will not think about how I will miss that smile
one day, and
the smell that has said "man" to me for the last
20 years.
I will cherish that smile, and that smell now...

just as soon as my nose clears up.

EDIT:

How could I forget my good news!
The cops are pregnant!
Well..the female part of the cops is pregnant!( my neighbors...both Westerville's finest).
Since I saw here last September at the Westerville event "Cops and Kids" being repeatedly dunked in the ...that dunking game thingy...

all in the name of teching children about safty and the police in general...

I gained a huge respect for her.
I wasn't very nice when she came to my door two days after I had moved in, with what I thought was an agenda. Sign me up for the neighborhood political scene.
I refused to allow her to list my name , address, and phone number...
in spite of the amazing cookies that she had baked.
I did design art just for her in the form of a "thank you" card.
But still..I later regreted my attitude. Anyone who will go through that kind of wetting, has some substance.
She will make a fabulous Mom.
Anyways...what this all really means?
I have a baby to knit for!
Oh YES!
YES!

And it's a girl.
Oh double YES, YES!

erm..here is the card graphic that I made for her( as well as for my family room)....she has probably thrown it away...



Can you believe that I used to feel bad for making a pic that had no meaning behind it? What the hell is wrong with liking color, form, line...and all the trimmings...for the sake of those things alone.
Like I said..I dont appologise anymore.
And if I dont want to make a statment...then I wont.

Baby girls knits...sigh...

I'm excited!