I am ending this blog.
I'm ending the entire "diosaperdida" entity.
It's time to grow up past screennames....plus it's causing huge amounts of confusion with sales, etc...especially since Rebecca Lopez is also a VERSION of my given legal name.
It's all getting too exhausting.
I am going to be using my legal name.
I do not want to be associated with this screenname anymore.
I am ready to move beyond a wagging butt, and being a persona.
I am ready to be a person.
Shoe is for everyday matters challenge "Draw a shoe"
So...there ya go...a shoe.
Those small colorful leaves in the top pic are by my 6 year old Becca...we like doodling together.
My Mom thinks that every time I leave the house, that I should be going to the grocery.
She acts like I'm a horrible Mom if I'm not going to grocery shop.
I finally told her today when she was shocked that I was going to the art supply store and not the grocery that we have been going to the grocery for days now, and it's time to stop.
So..I was looking at a website...a BIG website for artists. They carry both prints by famous people...and then have a section for artists like me and you.
I again was appaled by the number of things called digital paintigs that were no more than photos with filters ran on them...as well as a large number of paintings with nothing but a bunch of colors swilred around with a smudge brush.
Oh!...And they ALL had important sounding titles and descriptions.
"An exploration into the pain of one man sitting alone at night, and
twiddling his thumbs alone ...with only the soft glow of an artificial heart
..his photoshop program...to make him feel close to anything other than his own sad soul."
or..
"These swirls and twirls are the virtual fingers of my dreamlover who can
only reach me through these colors that are pulsing and swirling through the vibes of the internet."
In their bios they talk about those who collect their work, and how they have been
drawing since the day that they still thought that pencils were eating utensils.
Lets be frank...if they used to draw...they stopped when they started making this kind
of work their main focus.
hmmm..I just got myslf so worked up that I did a real life rant to my Mom...it wasn't nearly as kind as this one.
The bottom line of what I said to Mom.
No computer is going to draw for you.
You MUST ...be it digitally( using a graphics tablet and a wacom) or with a pencil( or brush...etc) learn to draw and paint.
Effects will take you so far....then you stop.
Now I will never say what is or isn't art...that isn't my place.
But if you really want to be in a confident place...
where if you had a ...teehee...collector say.
"Hey Joe...I love the swirlies...could you draw my cat for now?"
You can do it.
You need to put in the background work to get there.
I'm doing it.
I have been there.
My digital work was...um...swirly.
Then I wanted to go beyond that.
I DO draw..but I saw I could be so much better...and that I have an
enormous amount of improvment to be done.
You have to lose that sense of
"Gee...look what I did when I set up my computer yesterday!"
Go ahead and get mad at me.
But if this makes one person take a new look at what they are doing...
Also, on that site that I found dismaying...
I looked under the "Photorealism" catagory...
I found ...photos.
Photorealism is a painting and drawing style, folks.
Not a pic that looks realistic because it's a photo!
Again..I am not singling out any one person...nor saying that
anyone isn't an artist.
I'm just saying that swirls and filters are not all there is to digital art.
And to the viewer...I say demand more.
I was tagged...um..I'll look up the url in a moment...
1 I have a terrible time speaking. If I'm tired I am
even worse. I have a slight Mexican accent....and
I find it is worse if I'm tired or stressed...also I stutter
when under the same circumstances that make my accent worse.
2 I really believe in rules...but have a painfully hard time following them.
I seem to always fail to do as I'm suppose to do....and I live in fear of my
children finding out this fact about their strict Mother.
3 I am unbelievably polite and kind to cashiers and waitresses, etc...
also to anyone else I happen to meet in my day.
but let them act like a jerk and they will remember me for awhile
. I don't take shit off of my fellow man.
I don't yell, cuss or be nasty...but I am very admant, and blunt about
what they are doing and how they will rectify it. I make them feel small.
...and a bit scared. I also will tell other people's kids to knock it off if they
are infringing upon my space, person or rights. I find myself amazed that the
parent usually will not do this.
Never argue with me unless you can use logic better than a Vulcan.
If you do win..I will gracefully acknowledge that fact.
4 I pride myself in being a good loser and a brilliant failure. It is
through these events that one learns.
5 I would go out of my way to be nice to and even loan money to someone
I don't like. I would even give them rides to work, and let them live in my
home rent free if they had a problem.
I feel one should raise above petty dislikes, and be as noble as possible.
The Golden Rule should apply regardless of your personal feelings for a person.
6 I have no feelings about myself. I neither like nor dislike myself. I often forget
that I even am myself. It's such an odd concept to me.
I guess I should tag someone..but I don't really know anyone.
Well, I know Pat... but she was the one who tagged me.
So....feel free to do this if the mood hits....or don't.
Yeah...number 7..I can be apathetic on occasion...especially social type occasions.
Been awhile.
I am sick...so, that's that.
On top of excruciating pain from the main...whatever it is...I'm scared to go to the Doc...
I have an ear infection right now.
bleh
Anyways, I have also been drawing...A LOT.
Been trying to learn a new medium....colored pencil.
Drawing really is about seeing.
My own personal proof?
The one subject I draw better than any...my Mother.
Perhaps because except for a short period of time here and there,
my Mom and I have shared a residence all my life.
Including my adult life.
I see my Mother constantly...every tiny nuance of her
face is etched into my mind.
My best subjects after her...my Father, then my children,
then my cat....then Bill.
All individuals that I see constantly.
I draw the cat better than the husband because the
cat is always at my side.
I see him constantly.
Husband is running errands for wife all day...
so I only have him by my side at night.
Cat does not appreciate this intruder to our
cat /woman love fests...eiw..that
didn't sound right.
Why isn't my sis among the list of people I can draw with
my eyes closed?
I suppose because during the time we lived together and
saw one another every day, she was a child and her face
changed a lot as she matured...then she married early.
When I draw something unfamiliar, I look like a total idiot.
I sit and stare at it intently.
I turn it around and around or walk around all sides that are
available to walk around.
I touch it with my eyes, milimeter by milimeter...I find the lines,
then I take off my glasses...you people who can see well, can just squint.
When I take off my glasses, I then see dark and light. ( values )
If I am faced with a difficult perspective, I work it by site not
formula, and make sketches as I do this looking in order to get it how I see it.
Perspective is my weak point..so that extra step is needed...otherwise,
I do all my intent staring, and then I start drawing...usually a line
drawing. When I finish my line drawing...on cheap paper..I trace it.
Then I can use that as a template in case I screw up and need to start over.
I also use this template several times during planning.
From there I work out things like composition, and color
through thumbnail drawings.
When I have the compositon and color how I want it, I make a test run.
I transfer the finished compositon onto a cheap peice of paper, using
any elements from tracing paper that were drawn seperately...or I redraw
them free hand if size or angle has changed.
I then transfer the finished composition to another sheet of cheap paper,
and color it.
this is fast coloring to make sure the ideas in my
thumbnail will work out in a full sized drawing.
This also insure the VALUES are good...and if this is
going to be a graphite drawing...that's very important.
Color isn't even a factor in that case.
Values are the MOST important aspect of color and light that
there is...understand it and understand it well.
If I am going to use colored pencil as the final paint
medium then I write down which pencils I used for my
test painting/drawing.
If I am going to use graphite I write down what pencils
I used, and have my visual map all ready.
I then transfer the compostion/linework yet again
to my final surface.
Um...sometimes that is again cheap paper if this entire
thing is only practice.
I do a lot of things using this entire process that I never
intent to show anyone, but the kitty.
He loves everything I do.
This entire process is also used for paintings using watercolor, acrylics, or
oils...for any art work except for digital.
I do some things differently in with digital painting.
A word about family, and pets who want to sit with you as you draw.
Or in the case of my cat..ON the drawing..
Get a drawing board if you can.
For humans it gives people the non- verbal message that I am serious here..
I'm not playing around with pencils and paint. ( well..ok..I am but..)
I am working.
I have to constantly remind my humans that this is for money.
But even if it isn't for money in your case...
drawing and painting take thought, and planning, and concentration.
You are serious about what you are doing even if you do enjoy it.
Others need to respect that.
A drawing table says to others..."Hey..I'm working here!"
As for the cat..if he tries to sit on my tilted drawing table..
well..he slides right off!
Another message to others that you are serious...establish
a space that is for art work only.
Openly and blatantly call it your studio...even if it's just
a small space behind your sofa.
Real artists have studios in most peoples minds.
This is good for the new artist who struggles with the
concept and question of "Am I really an artist."
We all go through that period of wondering if we deserve to join the ranks
of those who are called artist. We blush when others call us that one day..
and many even deny it.
My way of knowing if one is truly an artist?
If you decide you are...then you are.
But having a space dedicated to art helps one with that decision.
It also helps those around them see that decision.
I am not an art snob.
I love all kinds of art.
But a few things bother me about the "art world" in general...
and digital art, specifically.
When I first discovered programs like Photoshop and
PaintshopPro...I played with all the doodads.
It was beyond amusing to make photos of myself look like
metal or leather with the click of the mouse.
It was neato to make kalaidoscopic patterns with a similar
click or two.
Then I discovered you could actually make a mark...your own
mark...using a digital paintbrush.
Slowly, I would use a mouse to make drawings and paints.
I could even enhance them with grain, or changing color.
This pic is a drawing.
It was disqualified from a competition because it was
believed to be a photo...or at least that some trickery
was involved. Although the competition had a digital
art catagory...they didn't understand digital art very
well. They thought I had submitted a photomanipulation...
which they understood...and didn't allow.
I did use a grain filter...but other than that I used
PaintshopPro's round paintbrush, and smudge tools...
and nothing else. It is the equivalent...using a pencil and
a smudge stick. I didn't trace anything, I didn't
manipulate a photo. I used a reference photo to
LOOK at, but did not use any kind of trickery...
and this was before I had a graphics tablet.
My point.
I can draw.
I have honest artistic skill.
No..not the best skill, but I do have some.
So, can you guess what is bothering me?
I'm going to make people angry...
I will appologise now.
But I don't get all these people who "exhibit widely",
win "numerous awards", even judge competitons...
and all they do is run filters!
Or they do what is actually photo manipulations.
And most call themselves digital painters.
Shouldn't something have been painted,
before calling a piece a painting?
I am not saying that anyone or
any style is or is not art or an artist.
I am saying that running a
filter isn't painting.
I will furthur venture to say that until people stop
doing this, those who are anti-digital and think that
all digital art is "generated" , and that digital art is simply
not real art...will keep thinking these things.
How can they help it when digital artists themselves seem so confused,
about what they are doing?
I leave you with a digital...painting.
I made those marks.
I guided a stylus to paint them, and formed them into
a picture of a girl.
I like her.
She has ...something.
She's just one of those people whom you can look at in a
photograph, even and know...she's special.
I was reading an interview with Stefani Japel of
Glampyre knits, and this part really caught my eye.
"Nat: Are there any tips you can share about running a craft business?
Stefanie: I'm still learning about the whole business end of
things, so don't listen to any advice from me. But here are
some things that I do:
Don't pay too much attention to what other people are doing.
Keep to your own aesthetic and you'll stay original. The second
you decide to consciously directly compete with what someone
else is doing is the second you lose the freshness of your own ideas.
I read blogs, and there are a few shop sites I check every so often...
but maybe because I'm so busy, I live in a bubble. I don't have time
to pay too much attention to other craft businesses.
Don't take yourself too seriously. I think that one big mistake
people make is to think of themselves as experts...I don't know.
Craft is what you do because you love it. When you start to put
all that pressure on yourself...ideas are harder and harder to come by.
Let things just flow.
Constantly sketch. Draw every single permutation of every
idea that you have.
Save your receipts and organize them. Taxes suck.
Stay friendly. I learn so much from people who are in this business.
I see every relationship as something to learn from. The most annoying
customer can really give you insight into the minute things that could
be changed to either make the site more navigable, or the pattern more
easy to read. Some people even write just because they're lonely...not
because they really have a problem with you or your work...just treat
everyone with respect, and you'll be respected."
Sometimes it is the most simple actions that mean the most. And while she
is talking about crafts and knitting, I think the same advice should be taken by
fine artists too.
That ol "act like a rock start, cold shoulder the fans,let them know you are a superior
being " act has got to go.
I have seen it fail a number of times now, for a number of people.
Yeah...the part about staying nice REALLY caught my attention.
Pure Nerd 82 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 30% Dork |
For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling testid=8115472531704248346">Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST |
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
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painting more or less
"flopped" everywhere I showed it.
Maybe people think parents are
being self indulgent when they
paint their children.
It's my daughter Donna.
Anyways...they liked it over at
artwanted.com.
That's nice.
Yanno..I am sorry about griping about Mom so much.
But sometimes, I need to vent.
The woman sits and talks for 30 minutes straight
about how backed up she is.
Asks if I will give her an enema...
to which I replied that there is a reason that
I didn't chose medical care with humans. ( I used to
be a vet tech.)
But she wouldn't be in this
shape if she didn't eat about 4 times more than
she should at each meal.
I mean...she uses a mixing bowl for a cereal bowl!
She complains about reflux when she eats...well duh...
She is 4'11".
You put that amount of food into such a
short torso/stomach...you run out of space.
But then she has the nerve to harass
my chidren every time they eat a piece of candy.
She was even trying to force them
to watch some talk show with a severly obese
child...all the while giving lectures and dire warnings...
AND SHE HAD A BOWL OF ONE OF HER MEGABOWLS
OF CEREAL AT THE TIME!
And the cereal is an example.
We all use smallish plates from my set of dishes.
She uses the giant dinner plate and fills it up.
She fills it up even if I haven't had a chance to eat.
So, sometimes...I don't even get to eat dinner.
You see why I needed to vent?
It's becoming more and more clear, that with building a house,
and all my hobby storage needs ...
I need to take up woodworking.
I have some basic knowledge...which I need to expand upon.
I was telling Bill about how alarming my storage situation
has become and he said he would help me.
We are also going to be doing this cool project that I saw while
watching B Original on HGTV.
It originally aired on the DIY Network.
If you have priced full sized floor easels you can
see the appeal of this.
Someone thought Bill was Becca's Grandfather today...
She had been told that fact by other's who know us, fairly well.
Or so I thought.
Perhaps people just assume even when presented with facts like
"This is my husband, Becca's step-Father."
The person in error appologised profusly.
I said it was ok, and that confusion can happen
when two people so vastly different in age marry.
And that indeed, Bill is significantly older than I.
Anyways..
he is actually a year older than Becca's Grandfather on my side
would have been. :)
Someone once said I was mentally ill for marrying
someone so much older.
If having and loving a man like Bill makes me mentally ill.
Then yay for being out of my mind.
Believe me..women dream about having a husband that
would treat them like Bill treats me.
I'm not bragging.
I am stating fact.
I pay for it with the knowledge that he will probably
die long before I do.
But one has to live now...
not for before, and not for after.
Does this have anything to do with knitting?
Not really..unless you count the fact that Bill does...
Knit.
Among other things.
I have been Ms Negative Pants lately, eh?
But really, I'm a generally happy person.
I suppose that's because I get it out.
But I admit..this last year has been a very tough one...
sigh I even stopped painting.
I also stopped getting things out in other ways...
that is until I would just explode.
But I have started painting again...and everything seems to be
much more balanced.
I had stopped painting for ten years before...for various reasons.
And when I HAD to start again, I mean I NEEDED to paint.
I was getting a divorce.
But when I decided to start again, I wasn't sure that I could.
Then I painted this flower.
I think it's ok.
So anyways..
(Hey...here's the shrug from a thrift store sweater that
was unraveled.
And no..I really dont appologise for anything.
I'm not neat, I'm not skinny, and I make stupid faces.
We'll all get over it.
Machine knit body and hand finished cuffs and ruffled edges.
The cuffs and edges are NOT recycled yarn...they are
Lion Brand Jiffy...erm..colorway is..el paso?)
In spite of being hit by the worst pain in my life on
Friday afternoon, it's been an nice weekend.
First of all, I have some lovely news.
I am the new editor for the Painting catagory at craftgossip.
I am being brief, tonight because I'm running
low on energy, and I want to make a new personal blog
that will help me to keep track of my projects.
I guess the "first of all" is going to be
the ONLY of all. I am really tired
and lacking focus right now.
Hmm..Bill just called and is telling me
almost all of the schools in the area
closed due to the extreme cold.
I have a terrible, and excruciating ear
infection right now..
maybe later tonight, after
antibiotics have had a
chance to do something,
I'll catch up on my blogs.
http://www.tinkertinker.com/
I have mentioned my Rebecca many a time.
She is a special girl...and I'm
not just saying that because
I am her Mom.
She has a very high IQ, and a very
creative and dynamic personality.
She is a force of nature.
She's big, smart, able and
ready.
But Lord help you if she
isn't willing.
Or if she wants YOU to be
willing when you are not.
She is passionate...and she
is stubborn.
She has the soul of an artist,
the mind of a brain surgeon,
and the heart of a poet.
She is both an idea girl..and
she can plan AND she
can follow through.
Most people really only
excell at one of those areas.
I don't brag on her like this very often.
But it's a bit relevant.
I secretly had this idea
for a place like I linked to
at the start of this post.
And she also had the same idea.
We just sort of blurted it
all out the other day
while we were working in
my studio.
Becca often chooses to
make sketches
of her paintings and ideas
before she does the final product..so
she is in there with me alot.
The room is set up for art and exploration.
We both decided we wanted
to make a place
where others can come
and create too.
Her idea is to call
it "The Make Place"
I NEED this..and so does she.
While she can always find
a way to occupy that
1000 mile an hour brain of hers,
she needs a focus.
Fortunately she has
sticktoitness...always has.
So oddly I don't worry much
about embarking on a business venture
with my 6 year old daughter.
This town also needs this place.
What is offered to older children
and young/mid aged
adults in the way of artistic exploration
in Westerville is pathetic.
Also what is offered as a means for artists
to display their work just isn't enough.
We have a sweet little gallery uptown....
but it isn't large enough...
and I feel the pricing is a bit
prohibitive for those
who have never shown their work before.
In addition to that all space is rented.
Artists are never featured based upon
artistic innovation or skill.
I think a "people's" gallery, as well
as a featured
artists gallery would be the berries.
I'll ask Becca what she thinks.
Or maybe not..she is still under the
impression that I am
mentor material.
But while I have a pretty good brain of my own,
I fully expect her to surpass me..
Heck, she'll be taller than me by
the time she's 8!
4'5" already!( maybe more since
I noticed her pants
looking like floods this morning)
And please...do not for one moment
think that this post undervalues Donna.
Donna is a whole different story...
whew..is she ever.
All of the above characteristics is slanted
quite differently when the child is
extremely introverted....
and when she is made of pure wonder.
My daughters are like a coin whose
one side is science, and
the physical. And whose other side is
magic and the ethereal.
I posted about the 100 reasons challenge.
The first theme is "intro"
I know the title...
"My name is Rebecca and I am angry."
Now...to put that on canvas...
and no..I really am not asking for suggestions.
I don't know what I'm doing.
My Rebecca...long story as to why I and my daughter
have the same name...
anyways..my girl, has discovered shoulder pads.
She is beyond perplexed, but has decided that the
best use for them would be to put them inside her
PJ top and "cuddle" with them in bed.
There is nothing in this world more amazing and
perfect than a 5 and a 6 year old...
not until next year, that is.
My sister lives less than a mile from me.
I forgot my camera battery charger when I was there last.
When I was there last, was Christmas.
We have been too busy to find
a time for me to get it when she is there.
Or for her to drop it by to me.
I see her husband more than I see her....but
he is our realtor, and we are desperate to find land.
So...I see my realtor brother in law ( yeah..I write it ALL out, and my kid isn't my DD either.)a lot more than I do his lovely wife...
My beautiful muralist sister is extremely busy.
So...
this is why I dont have pics to show lately!
And why I cant show you what I found yesterday.
I went to a local store here where they sell everything
from pharmaceuticals to goat milk cheese to clothes...and cheap.
I saw that they had sweaters and other knits, so
I looked at the seams of some.
Most were natural fibers...wool, cotton..and
some silk/angora/wool blend knit skirts.
And they had good seams for unraveling
( hand finished with mattress stitch as opposed to serged)..
and there was a sign saying "ALL clothing 99 cents"!
I got a GIANT sapphire blue wool sweater...
seriously..it was big on me, and I wear an 18.
It was marked size small...but it was enormous, and
it is cable knit..so a ton of yarn in that thing...and
it has a large cowl neck!
I estimate that it is maybe ...hmmm...4000 yards
of fingering weight wool...
At 4.5 per 220 a yard ball...it would have cost more
than 80 dollars.
I then also bought the silk/angora/wool blend
skirts...4 of them.
lets say also about 4000 yards? At say 7 dollars
a ball that is 220 yards? 127 dollars.
But I paid 5 dollars..for all of it!
The down side?
The skirts while coming apart fairly easily,
are made of two strands of very fine yarn, held together.
Makes it kind of fussy.
Also, while the skirts are unworn..I am
guessing the skirts have been alive for awhile. The yarn inside of the waistband is much brighter....if you can call any of it bright.
The two strands are a shell pink and a grey held together.
The overall effect is...kind of beige.
It has to be dyed. I don't do beige.
eh...who the fuck cares.
I was on the phone while writing this
trying to reschedule an appointment for
Donna, to have her hearing checked.
We all have the flu...and all of us have earaches.
I thought rescheduling was the right thing.
Only to find out that they can't get her in until APRIL.
I tried to go ahead and keep today's
appointment because SHE CANT HEAR!
But the lady said she had canceled it
already...and it couldn't be undone.
I just started crying...and I can't seem to stop.
I have failed my child.
I just dont really deserve children.
well..not in your most basic way, I'm not mean.
I do have a problem with snobs, idiots, graspers, takers, molesters...etc...
but I don't like to hurt people..and I
try to see all sides to a situation.
Anyways..
I won an Ebay auction the last week...week
before...whatever.
I sent my payment within their alotted
time, and was clear in communication.
They sent me something that looked quite
unlike what was pictured
on the auction page.
It IS the same color...and that's about
where the similarity ends.
The texture is COMPLETELY different.
They showed a yarn in a cool brown that was
nubbly, and loopy.
I recieved a smooth cabled yarn.
It really don't like cabled yarn.
They also said it was wool.
It is wool wrapped with a fine strand of some
manmade fiber.
burn test also says it is a blend. It melted instead
of left ash
AND it smelled like hair.
I waited and wrote to then before just leaving my feedback.
I let them know all of the reason's I wasn't happy.
I also let them know I was keeping the yarn.
I just wanted to hear their side before I made my feedback.
They DID reply, addressing only one concern...
not responding to others...especially why it was represented as all wool, and why it looks completely different from pictured.
In the end I left a nuetral feedback explainging the problems briefly.
Why do I feel like a big meany?
In other news..I made a new blog.
This is a painting which I thought was done..but
when I looked at the photo, I noticed that large
white splotch...which is far more noticable in
photos, than in real life. But online, it's photos
that count. So I need to fix that white splotch on
the leaf on the tree in the front. Painting is oil and
oil pastel on paper...and very darned big, for paper.
Then we have some yarn that I got from a
thrift store sweater. Bill and I are sharing it.
That's his swatch for the hat he is making for me.
I love my husband.
And while we are talking of spouses who make
hats...this is Bill's balaclava, which I made.
He got to test it out today..our first real snow this year.
He says it is almost TOO warm.
Yay.
Again..no pattern.
I also made myself a scarf and ...hmmm.it's kind
of like a hat with no top.
I didnt have enough yarn for a hat, but this
works very well. The yarn is a beautiful
wool/mohair/nylon mix...
I am VERY tempted to buy more.
Not appologising for the paint shirt, nor
for the blurry pic, nor for the mean face I'm making,
nor for being fat.
Also I am not appologising for the mess in the next photos.
This is large rug that I made from 6 smaller ones.
It goes in that room perfectly.( my family room)
Mom seems to think that we need doilies in
that very ...not-a-doily kind of room.
I have made a chair set that DOES match...
I just need to finish it up.
And yes..the wall not pictured is blue.
And yes..there is art all over it.
I brought some of my older blogs into the new
version..and my old profile has taken over.
I call it fate.
It's more "me" I guess anyways.
I was asked if I paint anymore....
I hadn't been painting much..and rarely sharing what I had.
I started again.
Not that it's anyone's damn business...Ron.
It's funny..Ron doesn't need to be critical of me, or
worry if I'm knitting more than I'm painting.
Oh wait...yes he does..
cause if I wasn't knitting, he wouldn't have that
afghan for his freezing ass that's all set to send out.
But just for the record...one VERY good reason my focus
has been more on knitting...and only ONE ( see last post)
is that I am working on earning Master knitter status.
It's a personal goal..one that I am allowed to have
without explanation to anyone.
But yes..I AM painting..and drawing.
Like anyone REALLY cares about my work anyways?
That's not a "poor me" statement..it's fact.
I had a friend who died last February.
I told him I could only be his friend.
I told him that I was in love with Bill...
He found something in me
compelling...lovable.
Go figure...but, yes, he did.
He THOUGHT he was in love with me.
We had a parting of ways that involved him
saying that he couldn't deal with me being in
love with Bill anymore.
I swear I was HONEST!
I didn't lead him on...
but something in him still thought he loved me.
And that night that he said he couldn't deal
with me and Bill anymore...
he took some vodka, and some pills..
out into the woods..
and he drank the vodka..and took the pills..
and he went to sleep...
and froze to death.
And for the last year, I have
been trying to kill
whatever it was in me that killed him.
I have tried to submerge my personality
as much as possible.
I have nearly stopped painting.
I have lost interest in sex.
I have dressed like a construction worker.
I stopped talking to people.
I stopped being alluring, attractive, desirable
funny, smart, ...human.
I have tried to die without having
to leave my husband
and my children, Mother,
and pets....without ducking out
on what I owe to them.
I have tried to pay for what I did.
God help me..I have tried.
I guess that's all...
perhaps writing this is
the first step
at some
resolution.
I need some
because my family deserves
more than just a body.
I am going to need about three to four
test knitters.
Requirements being that you are
very comfortable
with cabling,
and that you are willing to work for free...
It would also be an enormous help if you are able
to read charts.
The finished instructions will probably be
for sale, so
your discretion about the project would be much
appreciated.
Email me at rebecca.lopez@gmail.com
By the way...this will not be the last project
where I will need
test knitters. You will get a free project out
of the deal each
time, and the satisfaction of
being my source of double and triple checking....and hopefully
adding some inNovative
things to the knitting world.
"excellent comment! if i could express myself
that well
verbally, i'd talk a lot more."
The response to a comment I made
on a peice of artwork titled "depression".
The comment doesn't matter..I am not
one to regal you with puffed up stories of my
prowess in any depatment..but especially verbal
expression.
When it comes to figuring out what to say, I hurt deep
in my head and sweat in my heart.
I am pretty sure I'm getting it wrong, and will
probably alienate someone...
well...best I just stick with alienating myself.
One thing is certain; I now understand why it is said
that depression is anger turned inward.
I am angry.
Very, very angry...about so many things.
But alas...gratitude is my salvation and my grace.
I have far more to be grateful for than to be angry about.
I shall write this 100 times...
hmm..maybe I could convince Bill to work it into
a naughty professor/student scenario?
Bill could easily teach salvation and grace 101.
Odd though that he found both in the love of
a broken soul....
as for knitting...hmm...ofcourse.
I knit all the time. But I don't have alot for show.
I should show you Bill's 2x2 ribbing...
now that's a man that can rib!
And I give credit where it's due...even if the student
does surpass the teacher..
He can weave in ends and do duplicate stitch like
nothing I have ever seen.
WAY better than I do it.
I have had that song in my head for the last week.
It's about all that's been in my head.
I did finally finish Bill's balaclava. It's ugly..
it's a balaclava. But it's soft.
I will be
sharing pics soon. I wish pics showed how soft it is.
I need an afghan made from Paton's Classic.
I have been designing a cable....more on that later.
It's going to be spectacular if I can pull it off.
Also..speaking of cables;
I have most of the pattern for the pink cable mitts
written out ( ok.."mitt" has TWO "t"'s.
As a Spanish
speaker
I find all the extra letters in
English weird and
annoying...nevermind
that I first learned to read
in English..)
But other than that, I seem to mostly be
preoccupied with falling apart this week .
Yanno...I can't let that happen.
As it is, I am about the laziest person alive.
And procrastination!...I'm surprised I don't
put off breathing for some other more
convienient time.
Hmm...I think the meat for dinner is thawed now.
Perhaps I should actually...cook it?
Hold on a sec, eh?
damn..it isn't anywhere near thawed yet! At this
rate dinner will be at 8:30 PM.
I do everything slow..because I diddle..
and procrastinate!
If I allow myself to fall apart too much,
I will never get anything done.
Then soon, I'll be dead...and nothing got done.
I keep telling myself I'm gonna do this, and
gonna do that..
Would it kill me to actually DO some of it?
Instead I sit around and cry.
OK...well..this journal is yet another way to procrastinate.
Actually, the bachache and weepiness described
yesterday, hasn't occured today.
I think it might be being caused by a medication that I am on.
I have to ask myself something, when it comes to blogging.
Are real opinions really acceptable?
I see things that I have definite opinions when I read blogs
and forum posts.
But I ask myself constantly, if stating my opinion
would be over stepping boundries?
It usually is answered with a yes...probably.
So I shut up.
I know many of my opinions would anger people.
So I shut up.
grrrr...
hammock?
I don't..but it would seem that my husband does.
I had no idea that my husband even wanted to
lay in a hammock...
much less knit one.
That man is just full of surprises.
I guess he can find any excuse to go
to the hardware store.
He loves washers and nuts and
bolts...and twine,
the way I love diamonds and
rubies...and yarn.
He isn't a yarn junkie quite
yet...give it time.
In other news...well, I am writing this
later in the day...and I barely can
something is terribly wrong with me
It started about a week ago?
I get a heaviness...sometimes
a soreness in my lower back
I get weak and wobbly
and here is the kicker...
weepy, depressed and angry.
I'm almost in tears now and I don't
know why!
I feel like I need to the emergency room.
But what would I tell them?
I should run in and tell em I'm weepy?
Seriuosly..I feel like I'm losing my mind.
