I still exist

Been awhile.
I am sick...so, that's that.
On top of excruciating pain from the main...whatever it is...I'm scared to go to the Doc...

I have an ear infection right now.

bleh

Anyways, I have also been drawing...A LOT.
Been trying to learn a new medium....colored pencil.
Drawing really is about seeing.
My own personal proof?
The one subject I draw better than any...my Mother.
Perhaps because except for a short period of time here and there,
my Mom and I have shared a residence all my life.
Including my adult life.
I see my Mother constantly...every tiny nuance of her
face is etched into my mind.
My best subjects after her...my Father, then my children,
then my cat....then Bill.
All individuals that I see constantly.
I draw the cat better than the husband because the
cat is always at my side.
I see him constantly.
Husband is running errands for wife all day...
so I only have him by my side at night.
Cat does not appreciate this intruder to our
cat /woman love fests...eiw..that
didn't sound right.
Why isn't my sis among the list of people I can draw with
my eyes closed?
I suppose because during the time we lived together and
saw one another every day, she was a child and her face
changed a lot as she matured...then she married early.
When I draw something unfamiliar, I look like a total idiot.
I sit and stare at it intently.
I turn it around and around or walk around all sides that are
available to walk around.
I touch it with my eyes, milimeter by milimeter...I find the lines,
then I take off my glasses...you people who can see well, can just squint.
When I take off my glasses, I then see dark and light. ( values )
If I am faced with a difficult perspective, I work it by site not
formula, and make sketches as I do this looking in order to get it how I see it.
Perspective is my weak point..so that extra step is needed...otherwise,
I do all my intent staring, and then I start drawing...usually a line
drawing. When I finish my line drawing...on cheap paper..I trace it.
Then I can use that as a template in case I screw up and need to start over.
I also use this template several times during planning.

From there I work out things like composition, and color
through thumbnail drawings.
When I have the compositon and color how I want it, I make a test run.
I transfer the finished compositon onto a cheap peice of paper, using
any elements from tracing paper that were drawn seperately...or I redraw
them free hand if size or angle has changed.
I then transfer the finished composition to another sheet of cheap paper,
and color it.
this is fast coloring to make sure the ideas in my
thumbnail will work out in a full sized drawing.
This also insure the VALUES are good...and if this is
going to be a graphite drawing...that's very important.
Color isn't even a factor in that case.
Values are the MOST important aspect of color and light that
there is...understand it and understand it well.
If I am going to use colored pencil as the final paint
medium then I write down which pencils I used for my
test painting/drawing.
If I am going to use graphite I write down what pencils
I used, and have my visual map all ready.
I then transfer the compostion/linework yet again
to my final surface.
Um...sometimes that is again cheap paper if this entire
thing is only practice.
I do a lot of things using this entire process that I never
intent to show anyone, but the kitty.
He loves everything I do.
This entire process is also used for paintings using watercolor, acrylics, or
oils...for any art work except for digital.
I do some things differently in with digital painting.

A word about family, and pets who want to sit with you as you draw.
Or in the case of my cat..ON the drawing..
Get a drawing board if you can.
For humans it gives people the non- verbal message that I am serious here..
I'm not playing around with pencils and paint. ( well..ok..I am but..)
I am working.
I have to constantly remind my humans that this is for money.
But even if it isn't for money in your case...
drawing and painting take thought, and planning, and concentration.
You are serious about what you are doing even if you do enjoy it.
Others need to respect that.
A drawing table says to others..."Hey..I'm working here!"
As for the cat..if he tries to sit on my tilted drawing table..
well..he slides right off!
Another message to others that you are serious...establish
a space that is for art work only.
Openly and blatantly call it your studio...even if it's just
a small space behind your sofa.
Real artists have studios in most peoples minds.
This is good for the new artist who struggles with the
concept and question of "Am I really an artist."
We all go through that period of wondering if we deserve to join the ranks
of those who are called artist. We blush when others call us that one day..
and many even deny it.
My way of knowing if one is truly an artist?
If you decide you are...then you are.
But having a space dedicated to art helps one with that decision.
It also helps those around them see that decision.

What bugs me about digital artists...

I am not an art snob.
I love all kinds of art.
But a few things bother me about the "art world" in general...
and digital art, specifically.
When I first discovered programs like Photoshop and
PaintshopPro...I played with all the doodads.
It was beyond amusing to make photos of myself look like
metal or leather with the click of the mouse.
It was neato to make kalaidoscopic patterns with a similar
click or two.

Then I discovered you could actually make a mark...your own
mark...using a digital paintbrush.
Slowly, I would use a mouse to make drawings and paints.
I could even enhance them with grain, or changing color.



This pic is a drawing.
It was disqualified from a competition because it was
believed to be a photo...or at least that some trickery
was involved. Although the competition had a digital
art catagory...they didn't understand digital art very
well. They thought I had submitted a photomanipulation...
which they understood...and didn't allow.
I did use a grain filter...but other than that I used
PaintshopPro's round paintbrush, and smudge tools...
and nothing else. It is the equivalent...using a pencil and
a smudge stick. I didn't trace anything, I didn't
manipulate a photo. I used a reference photo to
LOOK at, but did not use any kind of trickery...
and this was before I had a graphics tablet.
My point.
I can draw.
I have honest artistic skill.
No..not the best skill, but I do have some.

So, can you guess what is bothering me?

I'm going to make people angry...
I will appologise now.

But I don't get all these people who "exhibit widely",
win "numerous awards", even judge competitons...

and all they do is run filters!

Or they do what is actually photo manipulations.

And most call themselves digital painters.

Shouldn't something have been painted,
before calling a piece a painting?

I am not saying that anyone or
any style is or is not art or an artist.
I am saying that running a
filter isn't painting.

I will furthur venture to say that until people stop
doing this, those who are anti-digital and think that
all digital art is "generated" , and that digital art is simply
not real art...will keep thinking these things.
How can they help it when digital artists themselves seem so confused,
about what they are doing?
I leave you with a digital...painting.
I made those marks.
I guided a stylus to paint them, and formed them into
a picture of a girl.

Wise words from Ms Japel

I like her.
She has ...something.
She's just one of those people whom you can look at in a
photograph, even and know...she's special.
I was reading an interview with Stefani Japel of
Glampyre knits, and this part really caught my eye.

"Nat: Are there any tips you can share about running a craft business?

Stefanie: I'm still learning about the whole business end of
things, so don't listen to any advice from me. But here are
some things that I do:
Don't pay too much attention to what other people are doing.
Keep to your own aesthetic and you'll stay original. The second
you decide to consciously directly compete with what someone
else is doing is the second you lose the freshness of your own ideas.
I read blogs, and there are a few shop sites I check every so often...
but maybe because I'm so busy, I live in a bubble. I don't have time
to pay too much attention to other craft businesses.

Don't take yourself too seriously. I think that one big mistake
people make is to think of themselves as experts...I don't know.
Craft is what you do because you love it. When you start to put
all that pressure on yourself...ideas are harder and harder to come by.
Let things just flow.

Constantly sketch. Draw every single permutation of every
idea that you have.

Save your receipts and organize them. Taxes suck.

Stay friendly. I learn so much from people who are in this business.
I see every relationship as something to learn from. The most annoying
customer can really give you insight into the minute things that could
be changed to either make the site more navigable, or the pattern more
easy to read. Some people even write just because they're lonely...not
because they really have a problem with you or your work...just treat
everyone with respect, and you'll be respected."

Sometimes it is the most simple actions that mean the most. And while she
is talking about crafts and knitting, I think the same advice should be taken by
fine artists too.
That ol "act like a rock start, cold shoulder the fans,let them know you are a superior
being " act has got to go.
I have seen it fail a number of times now, for a number of people.
Yeah...the part about staying nice REALLY caught my attention.

I guess I knew it would happen.

Someone thought Bill was Becca's Grandfather today...
She had been told that fact by other's who know us, fairly well.
Or so I thought.
Perhaps people just assume even when presented with facts like
"This is my husband, Becca's step-Father."
The person in error appologised profusly.
I said it was ok, and that confusion can happen
when two people so vastly different in age marry.
And that indeed, Bill is significantly older than I.


Anyways..

he is actually a year older than Becca's Grandfather on my side
would have been. :)

Someone once said I was mentally ill for marrying
someone so much older.
If having and loving a man like Bill makes me mentally ill.
Then yay for being out of my mind.
Believe me..women dream about having a husband that
would treat them like Bill treats me.
I'm not bragging.
I am stating fact.
I pay for it with the knowledge that he will probably
die long before I do.
But one has to live now...
not for before, and not for after.

Does this have anything to do with knitting?

Not really..unless you count the fact that Bill does...
Knit.
Among other things.



 

doom and gloom-aboom,boom,boom

I have been Ms Negative Pants lately, eh?

But really, I'm a generally happy person.
I suppose that's because I get it out.

But I admit..this last year has been a very tough one...

sigh I even stopped painting.

I also stopped getting things out in other ways...
that is until I would just explode.

But I have started painting again...and everything seems to be
much more balanced.

I had stopped painting for ten years before...for various reasons.
And when I HAD to start again, I mean I NEEDED to paint.
I was getting a divorce.
But when I decided to start again, I wasn't sure that I could.
Then I painted this flower.
I think it's ok.

Less than a mile..

My sister lives less than a mile from me.
I forgot my camera battery charger when I was there last.
When I was there last, was Christmas.

We have been too busy to find
a time for me to get it when she is there.
Or for her to drop it by to me.

I see her husband more than I see her....but
he is our realtor, and we are desperate to find land.

So...I see my realtor brother in law ( yeah..I write it ALL out, and my kid isn't my DD either.)a lot more than I do his lovely wife...
My beautiful muralist sister is extremely busy.

So...

this is why I dont have pics to show lately!

And why I cant show you what I found yesterday.
I went to a local store here where they sell everything
from pharmaceuticals to goat milk cheese to clothes...and cheap.

I saw that they had sweaters and other knits, so
I looked at the seams of some.
Most were natural fibers...wool, cotton..and
some silk/angora/wool blend knit skirts.
And they had good seams for unraveling
( hand finished with mattress stitch as opposed to serged)..

and there was a sign saying "ALL clothing 99 cents"!

I got a GIANT sapphire blue wool sweater...
seriously..it was big on me, and I wear an 18.
It was marked size small...but it was enormous, and
it is cable knit..so a ton of yarn in that thing...and
it has a large cowl neck!
I estimate that it is maybe ...hmmm...4000 yards
of fingering weight wool...
At 4.5 per 220 a yard ball...it would have cost more
than 80 dollars.

I then also bought the silk/angora/wool blend
skirts...4 of them.
lets say also about 4000 yards? At say 7 dollars
a ball that is 220 yards? 127 dollars.

But I paid 5 dollars..for all of it!

The down side?
The skirts while coming apart fairly easily,
are made of two strands of very fine yarn, held together.
Makes it kind of fussy.
Also, while the skirts are unworn..I am
guessing the skirts have been alive for awhile. The yarn inside of the waistband is much brighter....if you can call any of it bright.
The two strands are a shell pink and a grey held together.
The overall effect is...kind of beige.
It has to be dyed. I don't do beige.

eh...who the fuck cares.

I was on the phone while writing this
trying to reschedule an appointment for
Donna, to have her hearing checked.
We all have the flu...and all of us have earaches.
I thought rescheduling was the right thing.
Only to find out that they can't get her in until APRIL.
I tried to go ahead and keep today's
appointment because SHE CANT HEAR!
But the lady said she had canceled it
already...and it couldn't be undone.
I just started crying...and I can't seem to stop.
I have failed my child.
I just dont really deserve children.

Where's the knitting bitch?

"excellent comment! if i could express myself
that well
verbally, i'd talk a lot more."

The response to a comment I made 
on a peice of artwork titled "depression".
The comment doesn't matter..I am not 
one to regal you with puffed up stories of my 
prowess in any depatment..but especially verbal 
expression.

When it comes to figuring out what to say, I hurt deep
in my head and sweat in my heart.
I am pretty sure I'm getting it wrong, and will
probably alienate someone...

well...best I just stick with alienating myself.

One thing is certain; I now understand why it is said
that depression is anger turned inward.

I am angry.

Very, very angry...about so many things.

But alas...gratitude is my salvation and my grace.
I have far more to be grateful for than to be angry about.

I shall write this 100 times...

hmm..maybe I could convince Bill to work it into
a naughty professor/student scenario?

Bill could easily teach salvation and grace 101.
Odd though that he found both in the love of
a broken soul....


as for knitting...hmm...ofcourse.
I knit all the time. But I don't have alot for show.
I should show you Bill's 2x2 ribbing...
now that's a man that can rib!
And I give credit where it's due...even if the student
does surpass the teacher..
He can weave in ends and do duplicate stitch like
nothing I have ever seen.
WAY better than I do it.








 

trees?

I get freakin' weird ideas sometimes.

I wanna make big white papier mache trees.
Ones with no leaves.

I wouldn't mind making them water proof 
and putting glitter on them, etc..and decorating
 them with snow flakes and using them in the
 front yard.

I am a bad girl..I not only bought more yarn. But I also
bought the entire first season of Star Trek Deep Space 9
...for over 50 bucks.
I shouldn't have...
my Mom might need that 50 dollars for a bounced
check or something..or just because she "feels restless"
Which basically means "give me money or I'll sit here and
tell you how depressed I am... capped off with how everyone
abuses me."


No really..I love my Mom.

I do wish she didn't eat 4 times more than
anyone else in the family.

I knitted for Christmas.
I also left my camera batteries and
charger at my sister's house.

In addition to finishing the other mitten for Becca,
I started a pair of cabled fingerless mitts for me.
They're pink!
I'm not using a pattern.
I think I have actually used a pattern...
hmmm
I made "nautie"
That's one reason I don't slam out FO's like other people.
Most things I have a formula for..and they go quick enough.
Other things...alot of swatching. Alot of trial and error.
AFTER alot of sketching.
But the fingerless gloves...that's easy.
I just picked up my tools and let 'er rip.

Yanno....I see all the time on Amazon and
other places where books are reviewed...under
the knitting catagory...
the reviewers feel the need to say.
"This is not a book for beginners." ,
quite often.
It sounds to me like they are saying.
"I know this fact because I myself am an expert."
and
"As an expert I can and will say what books
are suitable for beginners."

I would love to think it's just a case of an
experienced one wanting to steer the innocent
newbie away from the perils of intermediate
writings.
But...
there is rarely a reference to a book that IS good for a
beginner.
And there is generally reference to all that they can do in
one form or another


Now..if that doesn't make you angry...

What is it with yarn snobs!?
What really cracks me up...acrylics that
are acceptable if they are put out by some
"fashionable" company.
What also cracks me up are "fashionable" yarns
that are pure crap!
No..I'm not the world's biggest fan of Red Heart Super Saver.
But...acrylic in general, has it's place.
And people who knit with it...and who knit with Lion's Brand, Red Heart, Paton's, Caron's....STOP LETTING YARN SNOBS MAKE YOU FEEL YOU SHOULD APPOLOGISE!



 

I get in these moods...

and it's better for me to just show a pic.

Scarf and hat.
Scarf is machine knit with hand finishing. 
Hat is handknit...mittens in the works.
Yeah, yeah
I showed these already...
but not totally finished and blocked.

The child wanted short fringe...just seems so wrong.
But...she is my first born.
 



First born and I also made soaps and bath bombs last week!
We put marbles in some....looks sort of weird, but feels
kind of fun
in the tub.



Blogger is pissing me off...everything is pissing me off.
Hence my reference to moods.
I know TV Land had better not have Star Trek on right now
after having it on at midnight last night.

I'm really just pissed at Bill.
Really pissed...cause..
I love him so much?

And he went ahead and risked his life driving out of
state in bad weather...well..it seemed alot worse
at the time..
when I asked him not to.
Asshole...making me worry
like that.
Not bad enough for him that I will
spend my old age alone...
he has to risk leaving me even earlier.
Shit...now I'm crying.
Gotta go....hate when I'm like this.

Hey..I'm also making the coolest ...maybe it's a shrug?
It's for me. It's gonna have lace ups here and there like a corset
does.
Not to worry...
I know what's a real corset.
I remember when Bill wanted to
buy me this dress..
sigh...
and I feel bad about yarn.
The dress was 500 dollars.
And we weren['t even engaged!
True...we've been together for YEARS...
and had been before we talked about
marriage.
Me: "I love you" Click. I then hung up on him.
Next day I call back.
Me: "Erm...hi.."
Bill: "Hi"
Me: "You still want to talk to me?" "Not scared off are you?"
Bill: "Huh?" "Are you kidding?!"
"You know I love you!"
Me:"Well....I didn't actually think you MEANT that!"
Bill: "I LOVE YOU!"
Me: " Me too"
Bill: "So...what do we do now?"
Me: " Do? We don't DO anything"
Bill: "Oh"

And then we said goodbye for that moment.
Phone goodbye, yanno.
I learned later, that the diamond I wear now had already long been purchased by that time...with hopes on his part, that one day...

Several years later...

Me:
( written)
I love you.
I don't want to live with you, but
I want to marry you.

Bill: ...alot of crying...and laughing...and
saying stuff about how he had always hoped..

The next month when the ring was ready...

by that point he already had it at the jewelers...the
stone that is..having the ring made...which took forever...
and ruined his little Christmas surprise of asking me first.

yes...

the next month..

he officially proposed.

We met like...back in 86?

We're lucky we lived long enough...geesh!

Unbelievable the things that man has rescued
me from..and put up with from me.

Drugs, affairs, smelling like a vets office,
bitchy moods, having not one..
but ..
two children with another man.
Disorganization, messiness, and mayhem..
my obsessions with knitting and art.
My tantrums.
Sigh...ok


he can go to West Virginia.

But TVLand better not fuck up tonight.
Star Trek and knitting is my sanity.

And Bill, ofcourse.

Oh...the dress reminded me of all that..
or I thought of the dress because of the shrug...
and it's corset like laces.

The dress was a corset dress...
I made one of my leaps in explaing all of that.

What is the point of knitting

Yup...
I know for many,
many knitters, the whole point of knitting 
is to make something by hand....or to enjoy
the process of knitting.

I have to say that I do enjoy that process.
I wouldn't make socks by hand,
when I can buy them for 2 dollars..ready made,
if I didn't like the process.

But alot of times, the point of knitting for me,
is to have something that is knitted.

Alot of times, that something isn't the most
interesting thing...
or like the 270, it takes forever.
like when your daughter asks you to make her
a 48 inch wide Supergirl cape..at 6 stitches to an inch...

Yup...you know what I did.

I bought a USM.

I am hoping that now I have some
power to
quickly knit the things that dont
take tons of thought,
and can put more time into lace,
cables, and fair isle.
The machine is supposed to do
these things,
but I want to do them by hand...
Specifically, I'm getting interested
in Shetland Lace.
Now maybe the kids can have
their cardigans( and capes!)
I can have my scarves, and wraps.
Also I can do more charity knitting.
AND...I will also have more time
for socks, and lace.

Let's hope I am not one of the people that HATES
the machine.
Seems to be 50/50...it's loved, or it's hated.
I wanna love it.

As for it being plastic....
I have many plastic things, that have been
used like crazy for 15-20 years.
They still work.
Plastics aren't all crap.
Geesh...metal also breaks, and
can be very cheaply made.....

As for machine knitting not really being knitting..
The Kntting Guild of America disagrees, it would seem.
True...they aren't talking Ultimate Sweater Machines
in their Masters Course for machine knitting....
but they dont say machines are out.

We shall see what happens.

"I'll stick to my knitting."

That was the second part of Bill's statement, 
reflecting his opinion of crochet.
I thought that learning crochet would help him a
bit with the issue he is having in holding the working yarn.
I guess, it's my issue. His tension is fine...he just goes so slow
and looks so uncomfortable, with the needles anchored on his leg,
pointing to the sky...and his deliberate wind of the yarn when he
is making a stitch.

The first part of his statement about crochet...

"I HATE crochet"

I have never heard him say he hates anything
except for when people call him, "Will", "Willie", or "Billy" .

oo...and he "HATES" brussel sprouts...but who doesn't?

By the way...an interesting tidbit for the argument over knitting being art or not...and yes..I have had it more than once, with more than one person.
I was looking at Grove Art Online today...accessed through my local library's website. Here is how they describe themselves.

"Grove Art Online comprises the full text of The Dictionary of Art, edited by Jane Turner (1996, 34 vols) and The Oxford Companion to Western Art, edited by Hugh Brigstocke (2001)."

There is an entry for knitting..an entire page in fact. If the DICTIONARY of ART, defines knitting as art...then..well...so THERE!

What's with me lately..

I am not the best knitter in the world...but
 lately my work has been really loose and sloppy.
That ribbing is a disgrace...and ...bleh...the whole thing
looks like crap.
I think I will frog it and go down a size or two in needles.
The wool is sooo pretty.
Look at that color!
It is kind of  overly crisp in hand and not very soft...
and the store had one ball.
So I thought it would be great for mittens for Donna.
It doesn't look it, but that's a really tiny mitten.
She almost never can wear store bought ones,
since her hands so so small.
I knit for about a size 3 year old...tried it on her
while she was napping.
One thing I can say....the mitten fits perfectly.





Um..I painted some...



 

Look Ma...no flap!

I did indeed use my hands...and Mom doesn't care.
But I couldn't think of a better title.

A short row heel...

Why doesn't everyone do this?
It's way nicer!
Perhaps like me, they thought it was something really
difficult.

By the way, my answer to the holes...
cause the wrapping just so doesn't prevent them
...unless.. 

yes...there is an "unless"...

You have to pull the holy heck out of them as you knit the next stitch after the wrap.
I mean PUUUUULLLLLL.
HARD.
Like.."I can't hold her together much longer Captain!"...that hard.
So hard you think you could break the yarn.

Blogger is being an ass..I just barly squeezed these pictures in Captain.
Dont push her any furthur.

( you gotta use your best "Scotty is in my head again" reading voice for much of this post....you can do it.)

Ofcourse I need to edit.
I think something is wrong...
Would it KILL me to use a pattern?

I cant figure out what to do now. I dont make a gusset do I?

Off to look at socks patterns featuring short row heels.

kind of done

Donna's sweater.
I still need to put all the buttons, and weave in some ends.
But..it's kind of done.

Model( Donna)is home sick from school today.

Sweater is not intended to wear with PJ's.

My Mom is too much.
Seriously..I love my Mom, but...
Well..I could see myself doing the Mother Daughter version of that old blog "Why I hate my flat mate."
Or whatever it was called.

Food messes and filth are ok...but knitting being left around is shameful and slovenly.
She hopes for the day that I will stop painting, because she thinks it's too messy.
And has tried to get me to move my studio to the garage.
I reminded her that HER car is parked there.

I might also say that I own this house.
I support my Mother.
I buy the bananas and oranges whose peels she leaves around.
I buy the socks( and make!) that she uses to stop a bloody nose and then leaves laying here, there, and everywhere.
I buy the insulin syringes that she insists on never thowing out...much less never thowing out properly.
But this time took the cake.

I said something about needing to get back to work on Donna's sweater because sweaters dont knit themselves.
She says something about how she would have a whole bunch of sweaters if they did.
So I ask...
"Mom..would you like me to make you a sweater?"
She looks at Donna's bulky knit sweater with distaste and says.
"Oh..no...that's ok...I like my sweaters to be a little more refined."
WTF?

I reminded her that sweaters can be made in all sorts of ways and that this one is this way intentionally...but still..WTF?

Somehow though...just as boxed Mac and Cheese will always be superior in her mind over homemade, and canned soup so much better than my soup....
A machine made sweater from Wal-mart says love far better than one of my unrefined homemade ones.

And she sews....

Oh yes..her view on sewing verses knitting.
And my releuctance with sewing( ok...fear)

"Well..some people aren't meant to sew. It takes alot of presicion. Some people are just meant to knit..and you do that very well."

I will not call my Mom a bad name. I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.I will not call my Mom a bad name.

ok...done.

As for the sweater..I am especially pleased with the short row shaping done on the collar/back neck...I dont know what it would be called...it just seemed natural to do that. Gave it the baseball jacket look.
Also am pleased with the sleeves..knitted in the round, directly onto the sweater. And the heart...nice for no chart what so ever.
Entire sweater was a wing it project...no written pattern exists.




 

If it's me then fine...

It's one thing if I'm the one that's sick.
But I freak out ...quietly, when my family is sick.
I have this masochistic desire to take it all away
 from them.
 To bear the pain, and sniffles.
Yeah...whatever.
I'm also sick...but trying to hold it together for 
everyone else.
I really worry when Bill is sick. He is 67.
I dont think about him being older when I look at him.
But sometimes that fact is hard to ignore.
Or I should say the fears related to that fact
 are hard to ignore.
Will he just suddenly leave me one day?
Yea...he'll leave me one day.
You accept that when your mate is 30 year older 
than yourself.
But will I get to prepare?
Will he just get pneumonia and be suddenly gone?
Or will it not have anything at all to do with age, and
 be my biggest fear....

that his shitty, reckless driving is one day going to be
 the end of him 
and about 12 other motorists. 
The one thing he has to reckless about in life
( other than marrying me...what was he
thinking then?...geesh...)..and he has to make
it an activity done in speeding traffic.

I will not mourne my husband before he is gone.
.I made the mistake of doing that with my Dad.
I will not think about how I will miss that smile
one day, and
the smell that has said "man" to me for the last
20 years.
I will cherish that smile, and that smell now...

just as soon as my nose clears up.

EDIT:

How could I forget my good news!
The cops are pregnant!
Well..the female part of the cops is pregnant!( my neighbors...both Westerville's finest).
Since I saw here last September at the Westerville event "Cops and Kids" being repeatedly dunked in the ...that dunking game thingy...

all in the name of teching children about safty and the police in general...

I gained a huge respect for her.
I wasn't very nice when she came to my door two days after I had moved in, with what I thought was an agenda. Sign me up for the neighborhood political scene.
I refused to allow her to list my name , address, and phone number...
in spite of the amazing cookies that she had baked.
I did design art just for her in the form of a "thank you" card.
But still..I later regreted my attitude. Anyone who will go through that kind of wetting, has some substance.
She will make a fabulous Mom.
Anyways...what this all really means?
I have a baby to knit for!
Oh YES!
YES!

And it's a girl.
Oh double YES, YES!

erm..here is the card graphic that I made for her( as well as for my family room)....she has probably thrown it away...



Can you believe that I used to feel bad for making a pic that had no meaning behind it? What the hell is wrong with liking color, form, line...and all the trimmings...for the sake of those things alone.
Like I said..I dont appologise anymore.
And if I dont want to make a statment...then I wont.

Baby girls knits...sigh...

I'm excited!

I need a new face

to this blog, that is.
First...I maintain the position that knitting and other textile and needle ...crafts are simply art in a different form.
They are as valid to me as painting.
So...
All the art is going to live together.
I want this to be a compilation of all my thoughts, writing, and whatever else I spit at you.

I have seperated myself from myself for too long.
Maybe I thought that if I put each part in a box, it would get easier to figure out...but it isn't.
I do know one thing..I have let others influence my art too strongly. I have let others tell me what is or isn't art.
I may argue, but I complied in the end.
It's funny. I was praised for color usage. Then I was told that I should be insulted by that.
I was praised for imagination...but when I did realism people seemed skeptical.
So I went on to try and prove my abilities there.
When noone responded, I just didnt know what to do.
I listened to my Mom when she more or less told me I wasn't all that good.
I got upset that I paint in the style that this person or that person paints.
I let other's tastes, skill, and opinions dictate how and what I paint....and knit....and every other creative pursuit.
I have to stop.
No one is going to tell me what, how where, or why anymore.
I dont care if DiVinci himself comes to haunt me and tell me it's wrong.
In fact...the more I think about it..I dont need a new face..
I need MY face.
Anyone that doesn't like it can look elsewhere.

Hmmm..I had a new name for this blog figured out...then I forgot it.
Sigh..I hope it comes back to me because it was really good.

OK...the girls want to go out...I would rather cut my tongue out than go out right now ( or any other time generally speaking).
But you do things for your kids that you dont want to.
You just do.

It's about time!

I dont know what was so hard about a simple heart...even without a chart...why did I have so many problems!?
Well...true...the first time issues weren't about the heart at all..more about my inability to count.
By the way...this is a cardigan for my youngest. Ms Tiny Butt Donna Rae Lopez.
Nah..I dont worry that you'll look her up now that you have her full name. Not unless you want shot.

And then I screwed it up again!

Bill was trying to rip the sweater from my hands as I began to rip again the back of this freaking sweater that should have taken about two days!
I am knitting in a large heart...and ...
God it's embaressing..

lets just say, I didnt measure or chart one damn thing..

heart was too low on the body.

As for Bil..he has never seen intarsia being done before..he saw all the tangled yarn...yeah....fuck bobbins I say!...

anyways...

he says "Honey...can I do something..you need me to hold something?!"

Poor man was truely alarmed...

I ofcourse have this "what the hell is your issue" look when I am doing something wrong and get called out on it...

A look that says "YOU have the problems buddy...not me!"

I have no idea why I'm not divorced yet.
I cant figure out how Bill has not seen me for the sub quality human that I am.

Oh well..some other time I guess.

Book review- The Knitters Handy Book of Patterns.

I love the idea of this book..who wouldn't?
Knit what you want..at the guage and size you want..choosing the yarn yourself.
But errors in math and poor judgement have turned me off of this book very much.
An example. My daughter is 5 years old. She wears a size 7 and has a 231/2 inch chest.
They have a size two childrens sweater measuring in at 26 inches!
And as I said there were simple math errors...the number cast on in the same pattern formula would not make the size they say at the guage that I was looking at.
It deeply saddens me...almost to the point that I want to take out needles, yarn and calculator myself and fix the errors for knitters who need this kind of book.( nevermind my previuos post...the stitches were hard to see! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

As for it being a beginner book..the instructions as to how to read the charts are a bit thin. But I am not one who feels that every book on knitting need apply to a beginner...contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion these days.

Acceptance

I screwed up the guage with a cardigan sweater I am knitting for my youngest daughter. I had to rip out 3/4 of the finished back and both front sides.
My husband died with each pull of the yarn, even as he himself helped me to rip it out.
But I knew there was no point in proceeding...it wouldn't have fit her until she was 40 at the size it was turning out.
I easily accepted it as a part of knitting.

Bill is knitting a bit better. But he isn't yet a knitter.
He will be.